The 5 Traits of Highly Effective Micromanagers

If you’re a great leader like Jack Welch or Elon Musk you know that your employees are trying to undermine you, steal your money, and don’t have the grace to thank you for your mentorship and leadership. Here are five ways to win the war against your workforce:

1. Mandate that they return to the office - Scott Galloway said it best, “The office is the structure that makes work possible, a kind of mothership for productivity, centuries in the making; a place to construct and preserve a way of life.” Yes, it’s an inconvenient truth that as soon as companies started mandating RTO the S&P 500 dropped by 22%. (I know the two aren’t interrelated. At all.) You know as well as he does, that the only reason those whiney insubordinates want to work from home is to secretly stage a coup and take your job. And, when they’re not conspiring they’re surfing Instagram and posting new dance moves on TikTok. 

2. Threaten to Fire Them. Often. - This is otherwise known as a Performance Improvement Plan (or PIP). You want them in that sweet spot where they’re totally dependent on you for affirmation, validation, and financial stability. If they go home at night with the unsettling knowledge that they’ll be out of the job faster than $hit through a goose if they make one mistake - they’ll come back to their cubicle the next morning feeling recharged and refreshed. And loyal. 

3. Scream at them - Jeff Immelt, Jack Welch’s successor, was famous for his volcanic temper. A trait that he was (rightfully) proud of. And look at how well GE did while he was the CEO!

4. Hackathons - This is the corporate equivalent of a Sabbath, or day of rest. All you need is 76,000 stacks of post it notes, and 536 Sharpies. Then have your workforce “voluntarily” stay up all night brainstorming a solution that you’ll never build or commercialize. Big boost of morale.

5. Fake degrees from Stanford and Harvard - You know those executive education courses that cost $12,000 that last 4 hours and enable people to say they graduated from Harvard Business School on their LinkedIn profile? Your employees will forget that you’re an irate, incompetent, insecure despot if you splurge a little and include that in the Learning and Development budget. 

That’s it. You’re welcome.

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Some of the things in this article may or may not be facetious.