"Smile More"​-​ Why Leadership Is Different For Women Executives

Andrea Mohamed and Nyla Beth Gawel enlightening me in Austin

I’m a proud, male feminist. Real progress means that allies like me need to listen to the women we admire, let them tell us what we don’t see, and follow their lead. I sat down with three women executives who’ve had an incredible impact on my life, Nyla Beth Gawel, Andrea Mohamed, and Elizabeth Michelle Gafford, and asked them “What are some of the barriers to female empowerment that an ally like me might not see?”

The recurring theme was this:

It’s no longer true that women aren’t welcome in corporate seats of power. A look at Fortune’s recent 50 most powerful women is a testament to that. But the path for women to get there often requires that they first behave like deferential, diligent supporting actors. It prevents women from transforming legacy systems that need to change once they reach a certain level of power. It hinders change.

Nyla Beth Gawel, a strategy and transformation executive who’s worked for SAIC, Verizon and Booz Allen Hamilton, shares her experience with this pattern of female executive indoctrination:

“Once I ascended to a position of executive leadership I was subtly, conspicuously re-programmed. I went through a sort of shadow ‘female leadership finishing school.' In this school I was conspicuously encouraged to talk less, and smile more. I was encouraged to suppress my innate drive for change and transformation and to instead become a grinning, obsequious chief-executive-flight-attendant.” 

Nyla Beth and Andrea Mohamed, VP of Strategy, Innovation, Marketing, and Communications at RTI International, shared that the pressure to be pleasant deters women leaders from leading authentically, and to push against legacy systems that stand in the way of essential change. 

“The pressure to assimilate can feel heavy, but it’s not always blatant” says Andrea. “In fact, across most executive ranks, there’s a push for authenticity and vulnerability. Yet, when I look around I don’t see a lot of space held for bold, outspoken, transformative women leaders.”

“If you’ve seen or experienced it,” Nyla Beth noted, “then you should talk about it. We need to make sure that the future ‘most powerful women’ don’t have to put finishing school on their credentials.”

The pressure to be a deferential executive came into stark relief for Nyla Beth when she first saw the musical ‘Hamilton’ and heard this lyric from the character Aaron Burr:

“Talk less… smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for…” 

“When I first heard that lyric it shocked me into a sudden awareness of my corporate executive life.” Nyla Beth explains. 

“Since I first began my career I was coached to ‘just smile and nod.’ ‘Don’t raise any issues; [he/she] doesn’t like any uncomfortable decisions to be discussed.’ And the best when only 23… ‘build your laugh lines; everyone likes a young girl on the team who smiles and makes them feel good.’ (I cringe just remembering that moment, when a senior woman gave the then-23 year old me that advice.)   Despite my crowsfeet that suggest I indeed smile a lot, never have I been able to heed the advice to lead and transform by grinning.’

Nyla Beth described a leadership learning curve that Andrea and Elizabeth Gafford, COO of Punks & Pinstripes, could both relate to. “As I became more senior,  in the corporate world I was told in ways that were sometimes direct and threatening, and other times subtle and implied, that I needed to ‘know my place’ in executive leadership: I was expected to be the caretaker of someone else’s strategy. It was expected that I would assess the market, but make recommendations that maintained the status quo, even if it perpetuated stagnation. Even if change was essential, even if transformation was my nominal responsibility, I was to be the diligent ‘right hand.’”

“Over time, I was coached to suppress my innate hunger for progress and transformation. To suppress my impatience for businesses that muddle along, that opt to survive when they can thrive. I was being molded into a corporate ‘Aaron Burr.’”

Intrapreneur executives are wired to raise questions that are uncomfortable. Transformation always triggers an obstructionist backlash. The backlash is heightened when the questions come from a woman. But like Hamilton, if no one knows what you stand for, why would they listen to you? Follow you? Believe in you? INVEST in you?

“Am I alone in thinking leading by grinning is the opposite of what is needed in a leader?” Nyla Beth asked. 

The more women executives I listen to, the more I hear about the pressure for women to soften their assertiveness. They seem to be on the receiving end of endless feedback and advice. “Some feedback is a gift, and some is a weapon,” said Andrea. “Before I accept any feedback, about my communication style or anything else, I now consider the source, assess the facts, and question the motive. As women, we’ve fought hard to claim and exercise our voices -- we ought not quiet easily."

A recent report by S&P which compared the male and female CEOs of 5,801 publicly traded companies found that women CEOs more effectively communicate the need for transformation, diversity, and adaptability. The benefits of women leadership for shareholders, and stakeholders are increasingly irrefutable. 

Nyla Beth said it best, "My message to female executives who lead their organizations through growth, transformation, and ultimately success – be a 'Hamilton.'  Ask the hard questions, have the uncomfortable conversations, and grapple with difficult decisions. It is the only path to growth. And while there’s nothing wrong with smiling - it is welcoming and healthy - it does not lead to market domination."

So, if you’re a leader - especially if you’re a woman leader - if you’ve got something to say, then take a stand and speak up, especially if you are in the room where it happens.

Nyla Beth Gawel has served as Global Head of Strategy at SAIC and as a strategy executive at Verizon and Booz Allen Hamilton. She’s a founding member of the invite-only executive network, Punks & Pinstripes.

Andrea Mohamed is the Vice President of Strategy, Innovation, Marketing, and Communications for RTI International, and is a member of Punks & Pinstripes

Elizabeth Michelle Gafford Gafford is the COO of Punks & Pinstripes.